“A thought is harmless unless we believe it.  It’s not our thoughts but the attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.  Attaching to a thought means believing it’s true, without inquiring.  A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years.”
Chapter 1, Page 5

When I first read this I really didn’t understand it.  But after last nights events, I think I get it.  A rare occasion last night, a night away from my boys, shacked up in a London hotel.  Fantastic to have me time and on top of that, I spent the evening with my gorgeous girlfriends, a home cooked dinner and bubbly.  What more could one want?!

The last guest to arrive was a friend of a friend, whom I’d met a couple of times previously.  I got up and greeted Betty with a big hug and kiss hello.  “Hey Betty, how are you lovely?”  As she lent back she had a blank expression and exclaimed, “Have we met?”

My heart sank and you know, I’m a little embarrassed to admit it but I felt rather teary!  The thought that ’she doesn’t remember me’ swarmed my mind.  But what really made me feel sad and embarrassed, I realise now, was the accompanying belief that I had instantly attached to this thought.  There in my mind, piggy backing on ”she doesn’t remember me” was the resultant truth that ‘I’m too dull and boring to be remembered’. 

Looking back I’m amazed at how my energy levels were zapped by her simple comment and I spent the night listening and not feeling a part of the joviality.  It was almost as if because in that instant I didn’t question the truthfulness of my self-defeating thought ‘I’m too dull and boring’, I believed it.  And because I believed it, the thought affected my feelings and behaviour.  Scary stuff!

I definitely need to work on questioning my own thoughts and not trying to assume the thoughts of others!

Once a thought enters our mind and etches its way into our belief systems, can it subsequently be removed?  Is it as simple as replacing a self-limiting thought with a more positive one? Or at the very minimum, can it be changed?

In one of my very first sessions with my fabulous Life Coach (Suzy Greaves - www.thebig-leap.com), Suzy identified that my selfbelief that ‘I am fat’ is holding me back in all areas of my life.  I truly believed that I would never be happy until I lost weight and looked like the gym instructor that I so admire.  In response to this, she introduced me to Byron Katie and The Work.  The Work is a process of inquiry whereby you identify and challenge negative thoughts.

The Work consists of four questions:

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

Then you turn the thought you are questioning around.

Byron Katie answers my original question, as to whether it’s possible to simply discard our negative thoughts in her book, Loving What Is: Four Questions that Can Change Your Life.  Byron emphasises that The Work is a way to meet your thoughts with understanding.  By challenging the validity of unhealthy thoughts you enable yourself the freedom and space to identify what else is available outside of the negative belief.  In Byron Katie’s words:

“Contrary to popular belief, trying to let go of a painful thought never works; instead once we have done The Work the thought lets go of us.  At that point we can truly love what is, just as it is.”

Just as we suspected, it’s not as easy as rambling through your mind and throwing out all painful, unhealthy beliefs.  However, in a way, it is comforting to know that it is ok to challenge our own thoughts and question their validity.  Definitely worth a try.

To help you complete The Work, download Byron Katie’s worksheet here… The One Belief At A Time Worksheet.  Note that this is being downloaded from www.thework.com.

I had a fantastic discussion with an amazing personal brand coach and image consultant - Pippa Rees - all about the link between what we wear and how we feel.  Most excitingly, Pippa shares her top style secrets to help us make the most of our gorgeous bodies, no matter what the size or shape, and help us feel as fabulous as we look!

Pippa Rees - a Personal Brand Coach and Image Consultant - is the founder of Style Company (www.stylecompany.com), a corporate training and image consultancy.

Pippa has worked with a huge range of major corporate companies and even resides on the board of the Federation of Image Consultants.

If you have any problems with the above audio player, please download the interview (mp3) here: Pippa Rees Interview.

A big thank you to Pippa for sharing her knowledge with the BodyBoffin team.  Enjoy!

Note: the above picture has been copied from www.stylecompany.com

I had a HUGE response to my original Wordpress blog and as such, I’ve now established the BodyBoffin website.  Fully committed to tracking down all the amazing BodyBoffins out there in order to find ways to improve our body image and break down barriers to feeling fabulous.

A very big thank you to my amazing website team… designer Natasha Longworth and the development team at Annatto Design.  They’ve gone out of their way (and beyond what I’ve paid for!) to ensure the site is fabulous.  Thank you!

I’ve been super focused on listening to my Inner Dialogue and understanding why I feel so damn negative about my body.  And you know, I really have learnt a lot about myself.  Absolutely amazing stuff too!

By listening in on my thoughts I’ve become more aware of what I’m thinking and the different sub-personalities that are feeding my thoughts.  My thoughts are under the control of my Wild Child and Inner Critic, without a doubt.  Two months ago I would have laughed hysterically at anyone who said that about themselves and brushed it off as absolute nonsense!  But somehow it’s all starting to make sense.

Although exciting, it’s mighty scary too.  Quite overwhelming in fact.  I feel like an outsider listening in on a private conversation.  It’s like I’m hiding outside the room, trying to be still and quiet so I can hear the conversation without them realising I’m there.  You’d think it’d be easy listening to your own thoughts but I’m finding it really draining.  It takes constant effort to listen, otherwise the thoughts swarm around inside unconsciously.

Last week it all came to a head.  It was like my Wild Child and Inner Critic got together and decided to rebel and resist my attempts to get to know them.  All the digging round in my thoughts has left me feeling really vulnerable and wide open to attack.  There’s so much personal information stored away in my mind that I’ve held behind closed doors for so long that even the thought of opening up makes me anxious.  It’s not about hiding from others.  Going into my mind and thoughts will mean I need to face all my life demons that I’ve tried to forget.

I ate more than I have in a long time last week.  It was like I was trying to sabotage my ‘get to know me’ game by focusing on eating as much as I could then wallowing in self pity about how disgusting I felt.  I’m definitely an emotional eater!

I’m pleased to say I’ve made it through my derailment and have come back feeling more at ease.  I’m still wary of what I might find on my journey but I know I can’t bear to go backwards.  I’ve started my search for answers and I’m going to find them!

She’s totally right.  I’m a good 5kg lighter than I was 2 years ago.  It’s not a HUGE amount I know, but enough that I now wear a size smaller than I fit previously.  What annoys me most is that I don’t feel smaller.  I still feel big, heavy and not even slightly feminine.

For once I tried to take the compliment on board and not snap back that yes, I had lost weight but not nearly enough.  Instead I agreed and actually vocalised that I had lost weight but what I really dreamt of was feeling skinny.  Just admitting this to myself and others is a big step forward for me as I’d usually hold such thoughts internally, never to be heard by others.

I want to glide down the street peering randomly into shop windows and feel gloriously happy.  I want to look in the mirror every day and smile.

That’s what my dreams are made of.

Until reading The Weight Less Mind (by Georgia Foster), I hadn’t even considered that my thoughts were being controlled by numerous personalities.  Like puppeteers, the different selves sit up all high and mighty, pushing their opinions into my thoughts through their chit chat.
Georgia Foster and other BodyBoffins such as Martha Beck, proclaim that acknowledging this inner dialogue is the most important step.  You must first understand the thoughts that are driving your feelings and behaviour and where these thoughts are coming from.  Only then is it possible to change your thought habits and therefore have the ability to change how you feel about your body so that you feel happier more of the time.

Through reading this book I’ve made a HUGE self discovery.  Not only am I being bullied by my Inner Critic, my thoughts and behaviour are also heavily influenced by my Inner Child.

Saying it now, it feels and sounds a wee bit silly.  But you know, I could completely relate to everything Georgia describes about the Inner Child. 

The Inner Child exists in all of us and is our link to our raw emotions, especially vulnerability.  It is our “child-like part that has never grown up” … “that loves to play, cry, be touched and loved.” (The Weight Less Mind by Georgia Foster)  Often we suppress our Inner Child as certain events may lead us to grow up too quickly or put on a mask to stifle the needs of the Inner Child in order to act more responsible.

Aspects of the Inner Child that I relate to…

• I find it hard to deal with anger and other emotions.
• I rebel like a naughty child.
• I still sleep with my teddies (yes, it’s a crowded bed!)
• I have a fear of intimacy
• I often feel isolated and lonely

Georgia explains that exploring your Inner Child can help you to gain a “much deeper and more powerful understanding of who you are and the why you’re thinking and feeling how you do.

I’m going to test run The Weight Less Mind tools to help reach and understand my Inner Child.  Stay tuned!!

**Note: above image copied from http://www.1888toys.com/index.asp?PageAction=Custom&ID=216

But what about the internal chit chat that’s going on in all our minds?  Other people are not privy to our inner conversations and thank goodness for that!  Well, unless by some obscure mind reading ability.

Georgia Foster, in her book The Weight Less Mind, defines this internal chit chat as our ”Inner Dialogue”.  What’s really interesting is that this Inner Dialogue consists of numerous voices, each representing a sub-personality or part.  This is known as the Psychology of Selves.  The different sub-personalities develop unconsciously during childhood with their main aim being to protect us.  As babies we’re completely vulnerable.  Our core selves build within the first few months and years, controlling our behaviour in order to deal with all that comes our way.   

Georgia identifies 4 key selves that tend to control the inner dialogue of people struggling with weight and food related issues.  These are:

1. The Inner Critic
2. The Pleaser
3. The Perfectionist
4. The Inner Child

Georgia explains that although these voices developed to help us avoid pain they “have the power of holding us back” and are often emotionally self destructive.  Our inner conversations become our reality and therefore the controlling (loudest) voices drive our feelings and actions.  I know for me my Inner Critic is horribly vocal, constantly reminding me how big I am and that nothing looks good on me so why do I bother trying.  After years of my Inner Critic leading my thoughts I truly believe that I am over weight and always will be… no matter what the scales tell me.

The Weight Less Mind uses Voice Dialogue tools and techniques to enable us to recognise, understand and work with the different selves that influence our thoughts, feelings and behaviour.  It then goes a step further, aiding communication with our core parts and also, strengthening the opposing personalities that have been pushed back.  Georgia specifically talks about the Slim Confident part that exists in all of us that has been suppressed by bullies such as the Inner Critic.

What makes Georgia’s methods so successful is that she uses hypnosis to reach the unconscious mind and fill it with more positive, helpful messages.  Georgia equates this to filling your “memory bank … library” with “information that reflects what you want to feel” rather than how your Inner Critic and other core parts have led you to feel.  The mind doesn’t understand positive and negative, only what it hears more of.  It therefore follows that the more we fill our minds with thoughts we want to believe, such as ‘I do not need food to deal with stress’, these thoughts will become habit and will help change unwanted behaviour such as overeating.

I highly recommend reading The Weight Less Mind.  It’s opened my mind and I feel more aware of my core parts and where the self destructive thoughts are coming from.  The book comes with a self hypnosis CD packed with positive statements.  The only struggle I’ve found so far is staying awake when it’s played - so relaxing!

Visit Georgia’s website … www.georgiafoster.com The book and selfhypnosis CD is available as an e-book.

Until late afternoon that is, when it all came crashing down. 

That morning my 16 month old had been playing with the scales whilst I got ready.  Silly me hadn’t put the scales away and when I went up to the loo later that afternoon there they sat.  Calling to me… “Go on, weigh yourself.  You’re feeling pretty great.  It’s been ages and who knows, maybe you’ll get a pleasant surprise”.

I got a surprise all right.  I jumped on and what do you know, I’m 3kg heavier than I’ve been in months.  My bubble of happiness burst instantly and I felt truly devastated.  My Inner Critic reminded me that I shouldn’t have bothered… “of course you’re going to weigh too much, you know you’re too big.” on and on. 

I’m amazed that just seeing a number on the scales could make me feel so low.  Especially when just seconds before I’d been on a natural high.  I walked out, in fear that if I stayed I might take my disappointment out on the scales and throw them straight out the window.

I tried to reassure myself that it didn’t matter what the scales said, what was important was how I felt.  It made absolutely no difference though.  It felt impossible to lift my spirits, like a dark cloud had come over me and no sign of it moving on any time soon.

The funniest bit is that later that night I finally ventured back into the bathroom.  I went to put the scales away and what do you know?  They’re showing 3kg without any weight on them!  My toddler had obviously moved the needle adjustment whilst playing with them that morning.  I adjusted the needle back to ‘0′ and jumped on with excitement.  My heart jumped for joy.  I hadn’t put on weight at all.

This wee little incident got me thinking.  It just shows how strong my belief is that I’m overweight and not only that, but also that scales just reinforce our negative thoughts. 

Death to all scales!

The event also served as a big reminder that the focus and aim of this blog is not about how to lose weight.  It’s about how (tips, advice, tools, etc.) to find acceptance within our own bodies and learn to love ourselves.  Although the work of Martha Beck and other BodyBoffins have a weight loss focus, the tools they’re teaching are about building awareness of our negative inner thoughts that are driving the behaviour that we don’t want such as overeating.  It then becomes about how we challenge those thoughts and build new, more positive beliefs.

We have lots of work to do!  This is only the beginning of our journey.

Interestingly, the Editor - Maureen Rice - talks about our emotions (such as the way we feel about our bodies), affecting our thoughts.  This is quite different to the Martha Beck model discussed in a previous blog about our thoughts being the root cause of all behaviour.  However, Maureen explains that the chain of cause and effect works in both directions.  I.e.  Our emotions affect our thoughts, which affect our actions, which affect our emotions and so on.  A cycle that as we know, once on is hard to get off!

Based on research from the Social Issues Research Centre (www.sirc.co.uk), tip number 26 explains that women feel more dissatisfied with their bodies during the pre-menstrual phase (the 2 weeks before your period).

I feel relieved I’ve read this!

I know personally, every now and again I’ll have a week where I feel totally frumpy and clothes I thought really suited me the week before look totally wrong.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this correlated with my cycles.

Hmmm… and I thought my clothes must have somehow changed shape!!

For more research findings on what we see and how we feel when we look in the mirror take a look here… http://www.sirc.org/publik/mirror.html